If you never know.
10:07 PM Thursday, August 19, 2010
You repeatedly telling me the same thing when i repeatedly ask you the same question to make sure what you say is true & does it still last. But it seems like everything is once again, a lie. Why do people like to lie so much at times for some stuffs? Just becos they think by saying a lie will not hurt the particular person?
Stop changing the info about her alright, its disgusting people out. You sound like you're a total lesbian you know. Wth lah. Come on, from my perspective, i don't think you can last long with her.
Today once again, I've brought up the courage to wrote you a note on how i feel. I may be selfish just to say how i feel, but if i still remember, the note, i said all i want is how you really feel & how you really wanna do. So i guess I'm not that selfish after all. You have never thought that telling how you really feel & what you really want will make a significant in your life & in my life. Like in this way, you'll be happier & more relax. You don't have to put on smiles & acts in front of me anymore. You won't be tired anymore too. Why not just do something that is really best for you? Love yourself more than you love others but not in a selfish way. You will find that you'll be so much happier, why not choose a better pathway than such torturous pathway?! I guess now whatever you tell me now, I'll be able to accept it & not brood over it so much. (I hope) & I'm sure that you're tired of me & tired of acting about everything. Right? I'm sorry for the troubles & sorrows I've brought into your life. I am really sorry, but all i know is, i still love you a lot.
I want back the real life of the memories that we had. I don't want what is happening to be the part of memories too. It isn't good at all. The time when we play, we laugh, we talk & etc. Its so fun, its so memorable that i just want it over again & again. We're always left alone, & becos of that, we talk about our stuffs, we do stuffs we enjoy doing & don't care about how others think. Those memories are just so wonderful, & i suppose it was to last forever, but now... No, the memories has ended. Just like that.
I have a lot of wishes to make about us now, if one day, things are really out of my hand, i guess I'll hope the remaining 8 wishes you've gave me. & hope you'll grant it since you've promised it before.
Before bad stuffs like this happen, you've said so much sweet & nice things to me. You've promised so much things. The promises you've made doesn't seems like its still flowing. It seems like it had stopped flowing. There's no more light, there' no more wind, there's no more oxygen, there's no more heartbeat. This is how the promises had stopped. It's dead, & it can never be revived again unless you really thought it out & there's a miracle.
You probably have not felt before the pain that I'm undergoing. & i may probably have not feel before the pain that you're undergoing too. As for me, the pain i always undergo every single day is, seeing you & her together. But i just have to keep everything to myself, so you won't leave me, you won't find me ridiculous, you won't find me stupid, you won't find me so sensitive. I'm so afraid of how you think of me now, its not even suppose to be like this in the first place. I'm suppose to be who i am when I'm in front of you, becos you love the real me, not the fake me that I've been putting up in front of everybody, not only you. I always tell that someone that I'm not gonna care, i gonna lead a happy life no matter what happens. So that the someone won't find me stupid that why am i still thinking about it when she told me repeatedly,"Jaime, its not worth it. Seriously." Giving my advise yet i don't wanna listen. To that someone, if you know I'm talking about you, I'm sorry that i haven't been the real me in front of you when you're actually now the closest to me not including her.
You said in your personal website that you don't know what to do. You don't wanna break either of our hearts. I understand that. Its like your hand. The top side of your hand is your flesh, the bottom side of your hand is also your flesh. How can you bear to hurt any of it. & you sitting listlessly in the middle of your hand, don't know what to do. Suffering becos of both of us. I don't know if i should give in. I don't know if I'm doing it for your sake to help you make up your choice & stop all those sufferings that you're having every single day, or for my own sake to stop the pains & feelings. I need a adviser now, but i don't have anyone to turn to. Sometimes I've been thinking, when you start building up the relationship with her, why didn't you thought of the consequences which is what I will think, i will feel. How could you just forget about me when you start giving your love to her, giving your hugs to her, giving everything to her when in the past, you gave me everything. & only me, nobody else. But now, you're giving everything to her too. Becos of your innocence, becos you're so naive, you don't know anything about it, you didn't know things will turn out so sour, you never thought of anything & thats why it has ended up to be like that. I don't exactly blame you for what is actually happening.
I understand everything now. From the beginning, those things that are happening weren't so simple like abc. It's as complicated as Math. & becos of the complicate-ness, it keeps giving problems for us to solve just how Math give us headache to solve a sum for hours just to score that 4-6 marks. & afterwards, we solve everything correct, it will be reflect on our report cards. As for these things that is happening, we are encountering, how we solve it, it will be reflect on how we feel & how we gonna be next time. Strong or weak mentally. Positive or negative. All the things are related. So for the problems I'm encountering, i am gonna think carefully before i start the first move of the problem. Even the process may be so pain for the first move, but if thats the best for the situation, then why not. It was to be said that,"Seeing someone you love so badly to be happy, that brings you happiness too." If this sentence is true, I'll let go of it even i can't bear too. Becos, why not let a single party to suffer than three parties are suffering from all this problems?
I don't know having this problem is a good thing or bad thing.
Goods
I've became more sensible.
I've became more strong mentally.
I've became more mature.
I've became more clever in seeing the views of some situation.
Bad
I have to suffer from all the pains.
I have to let go of this wonderful relationship. (If this is the best option.)
I have to bear with my emotional.
I have to bear with my feelings.
I have to put on a act.
I feel so lost now. How i wish i can return back to my childhood days that there's nothing for me to worry about, nothing to think about. Just sleep, play & eat. Isn't that great. Whatever troubles, our parents shall handle it for us. We don't have to shower ourselves, we don't have to handle situations ourselves, we don't have to do anything. Why can't life be so great in teenage life & in adult life? I'm sure there's a purpose for it, but i can't find the purpose of it.
Whats the purpose of life when we live in this two face world. There's troubles passing each other everyday, there's sure someone saying bye to this world everyday, there's sure someone who fall sick everyday, there's sure someone who cries everyday, there's sure someone falling down everyday, there's sure someone getting scoldings everyday. there's sure someone breaking down becos of some matter & there's laws applying in our life everyday. We have to obey it, we have to avoid doing some stuffs & we have to do some stuffs. Is that the purpose of life? When i was age 7, i thought life was so simple. Just laugh everyday & thats the purpose of life. I don't even know why must girls come menstration. Yes, so we can give birth. But aren't there any other ways to give birth other than coming menstration. & yet, we have to undergo cramps everytime we come our menstration. Why must people in this world have illnesses that will say bye to this world? Why must people have illnesses that they have to do medication everyday, seeing them suffer? Thats the purpose of life? Where are all those good positive things of purpose in life? Or there isn't any at all?
Hmm, you gave me this song called "Anyone of us". Its so meaningful. & thats becos you did something wrong & thats why you wrote the lyrics of the song to me. & here is the lyrics.
I’ve been letting you down, down
Girl I know I’ve been such a fool
Giving in to temptation
When I should’ve played it cool
The situation got out of hand
I hope you understand
It can happen to..
Anyone of us, anyone you think of
Anyone can fall
Anyone can hurt someone they love
Hearts will break
’cause I made a stupid mistake
It can happen to..
Anyone of us, say you will forgive me
Anyone can fail
Say you will believe me
I can’t take my heart will break
’cause I made a stupid mistake
A stupid mistake
She was kind of exciting
A little crazy I should’ve known
She must have altered my senses
’cause I offered to walk her home
The situation got out of hand
I hope you understand
A stupid mistake
She means nothing to me
(nothing to me)
I swear every word is true
Don’t wanna lose you
Now, i wanna ask you & say this to you. I've did a mistake, anyone of us make mistakes, will you forgive me & let us be like last time? The situation got out of hand, i really hope you'll understand. & i swear whatever I've said to you from 29 June its true. Including this sentence, ''I don't wanna lose you.'' Anyone can hurt someone's heart they love, hearts will break, but I'm sorry. Can you give me the last chance?
This is probably the longest post that i wrote all my feelings down. Sorry for the emotions, but this is the only place i could write & turn to now.
I've never thought of wanting to leave anyone, especially you. But if you want it to be like that, i really need time to think. & if i really accept it, i hope we'll still be friends. Best friends that when you're sad you can turn to me..
For a moment, my heartbeat stopped. This made the whole entire world stop too. Leaving me alone, walking through this complicated life, without anyone to turn to now.
You're just so cool that you made everyone to be madly in love with you.
Change is a challenged.
Stop changing the info about her alright, its disgusting people out. You sound like you're a total lesbian you know. Wth lah. Come on, from my perspective, i don't think you can last long with her.
Today once again, I've brought up the courage to wrote you a note on how i feel. I may be selfish just to say how i feel, but if i still remember, the note, i said all i want is how you really feel & how you really wanna do. So i guess I'm not that selfish after all. You have never thought that telling how you really feel & what you really want will make a significant in your life & in my life. Like in this way, you'll be happier & more relax. You don't have to put on smiles & acts in front of me anymore. You won't be tired anymore too. Why not just do something that is really best for you? Love yourself more than you love others but not in a selfish way. You will find that you'll be so much happier, why not choose a better pathway than such torturous pathway?! I guess now whatever you tell me now, I'll be able to accept it & not brood over it so much. (I hope) & I'm sure that you're tired of me & tired of acting about everything. Right? I'm sorry for the troubles & sorrows I've brought into your life. I am really sorry, but all i know is, i still love you a lot.
I want back the real life of the memories that we had. I don't want what is happening to be the part of memories too. It isn't good at all. The time when we play, we laugh, we talk & etc. Its so fun, its so memorable that i just want it over again & again. We're always left alone, & becos of that, we talk about our stuffs, we do stuffs we enjoy doing & don't care about how others think. Those memories are just so wonderful, & i suppose it was to last forever, but now... No, the memories has ended. Just like that.
I have a lot of wishes to make about us now, if one day, things are really out of my hand, i guess I'll hope the remaining 8 wishes you've gave me. & hope you'll grant it since you've promised it before.
Before bad stuffs like this happen, you've said so much sweet & nice things to me. You've promised so much things. The promises you've made doesn't seems like its still flowing. It seems like it had stopped flowing. There's no more light, there' no more wind, there's no more oxygen, there's no more heartbeat. This is how the promises had stopped. It's dead, & it can never be revived again unless you really thought it out & there's a miracle.
You probably have not felt before the pain that I'm undergoing. & i may probably have not feel before the pain that you're undergoing too. As for me, the pain i always undergo every single day is, seeing you & her together. But i just have to keep everything to myself, so you won't leave me, you won't find me ridiculous, you won't find me stupid, you won't find me so sensitive. I'm so afraid of how you think of me now, its not even suppose to be like this in the first place. I'm suppose to be who i am when I'm in front of you, becos you love the real me, not the fake me that I've been putting up in front of everybody, not only you. I always tell that someone that I'm not gonna care, i gonna lead a happy life no matter what happens. So that the someone won't find me stupid that why am i still thinking about it when she told me repeatedly,"Jaime, its not worth it. Seriously." Giving my advise yet i don't wanna listen. To that someone, if you know I'm talking about you, I'm sorry that i haven't been the real me in front of you when you're actually now the closest to me not including her.
You said in your personal website that you don't know what to do. You don't wanna break either of our hearts. I understand that. Its like your hand. The top side of your hand is your flesh, the bottom side of your hand is also your flesh. How can you bear to hurt any of it. & you sitting listlessly in the middle of your hand, don't know what to do. Suffering becos of both of us. I don't know if i should give in. I don't know if I'm doing it for your sake to help you make up your choice & stop all those sufferings that you're having every single day, or for my own sake to stop the pains & feelings. I need a adviser now, but i don't have anyone to turn to. Sometimes I've been thinking, when you start building up the relationship with her, why didn't you thought of the consequences which is what I will think, i will feel. How could you just forget about me when you start giving your love to her, giving your hugs to her, giving everything to her when in the past, you gave me everything. & only me, nobody else. But now, you're giving everything to her too. Becos of your innocence, becos you're so naive, you don't know anything about it, you didn't know things will turn out so sour, you never thought of anything & thats why it has ended up to be like that. I don't exactly blame you for what is actually happening.
I understand everything now. From the beginning, those things that are happening weren't so simple like abc. It's as complicated as Math. & becos of the complicate-ness, it keeps giving problems for us to solve just how Math give us headache to solve a sum for hours just to score that 4-6 marks. & afterwards, we solve everything correct, it will be reflect on our report cards. As for these things that is happening, we are encountering, how we solve it, it will be reflect on how we feel & how we gonna be next time. Strong or weak mentally. Positive or negative. All the things are related. So for the problems I'm encountering, i am gonna think carefully before i start the first move of the problem. Even the process may be so pain for the first move, but if thats the best for the situation, then why not. It was to be said that,"Seeing someone you love so badly to be happy, that brings you happiness too." If this sentence is true, I'll let go of it even i can't bear too. Becos, why not let a single party to suffer than three parties are suffering from all this problems?
I don't know having this problem is a good thing or bad thing.
Goods
I've became more sensible.
I've became more strong mentally.
I've became more mature.
I've became more clever in seeing the views of some situation.
Bad
I have to suffer from all the pains.
I have to let go of this wonderful relationship. (If this is the best option.)
I have to bear with my emotional.
I have to bear with my feelings.
I have to put on a act.
I feel so lost now. How i wish i can return back to my childhood days that there's nothing for me to worry about, nothing to think about. Just sleep, play & eat. Isn't that great. Whatever troubles, our parents shall handle it for us. We don't have to shower ourselves, we don't have to handle situations ourselves, we don't have to do anything. Why can't life be so great in teenage life & in adult life? I'm sure there's a purpose for it, but i can't find the purpose of it.
Whats the purpose of life when we live in this two face world. There's troubles passing each other everyday, there's sure someone saying bye to this world everyday, there's sure someone who fall sick everyday, there's sure someone who cries everyday, there's sure someone falling down everyday, there's sure someone getting scoldings everyday. there's sure someone breaking down becos of some matter & there's laws applying in our life everyday. We have to obey it, we have to avoid doing some stuffs & we have to do some stuffs. Is that the purpose of life? When i was age 7, i thought life was so simple. Just laugh everyday & thats the purpose of life. I don't even know why must girls come menstration. Yes, so we can give birth. But aren't there any other ways to give birth other than coming menstration. & yet, we have to undergo cramps everytime we come our menstration. Why must people in this world have illnesses that will say bye to this world? Why must people have illnesses that they have to do medication everyday, seeing them suffer? Thats the purpose of life? Where are all those good positive things of purpose in life? Or there isn't any at all?
Hmm, you gave me this song called "Anyone of us". Its so meaningful. & thats becos you did something wrong & thats why you wrote the lyrics of the song to me. & here is the lyrics.
I’ve been letting you down, down
Girl I know I’ve been such a fool
Giving in to temptation
When I should’ve played it cool
The situation got out of hand
I hope you understand
It can happen to..
Anyone of us, anyone you think of
Anyone can fall
Anyone can hurt someone they love
Hearts will break
’cause I made a stupid mistake
It can happen to..
Anyone of us, say you will forgive me
Anyone can fail
Say you will believe me
I can’t take my heart will break
’cause I made a stupid mistake
A stupid mistake
She was kind of exciting
A little crazy I should’ve known
She must have altered my senses
’cause I offered to walk her home
The situation got out of hand
I hope you understand
A stupid mistake
She means nothing to me
(nothing to me)
I swear every word is true
Don’t wanna lose you
Now, i wanna ask you & say this to you. I've did a mistake, anyone of us make mistakes, will you forgive me & let us be like last time? The situation got out of hand, i really hope you'll understand. & i swear whatever I've said to you from 29 June its true. Including this sentence, ''I don't wanna lose you.'' Anyone can hurt someone's heart they love, hearts will break, but I'm sorry. Can you give me the last chance?
This is probably the longest post that i wrote all my feelings down. Sorry for the emotions, but this is the only place i could write & turn to now.
I've never thought of wanting to leave anyone, especially you. But if you want it to be like that, i really need time to think. & if i really accept it, i hope we'll still be friends. Best friends that when you're sad you can turn to me..
For a moment, my heartbeat stopped. This made the whole entire world stop too. Leaving me alone, walking through this complicated life, without anyone to turn to now.
You're just so cool that you made everyone to be madly in love with you.
Change is a challenged.
Yours truly,
JaimeNgJingWen
Sweet 16. Singing is my passion. Shopping is my hobby. Kpop is my love.
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