Liife.
10:30 PM Saturday, August 7, 2010
Sometimes, i just really have to praise this word "emotional". Becos it just makes you go haywire. Not eating food for couple of days. Making you cry litres of tears. Making you not paying attention in class or talks. Making you not talk at all. Making you just lie on the bed the whole day. & all this, emotions are taking our happiness away, taking our lifes away. Sometimes i just wonder why emotions are just so powerful. & why must our life go through "emotions"? Why can't it just be removed away from our lifes? Isn't that better? It won't take over our lifes, it won't take away our happiness in our lifes.
Also, why is it so hard to maintain a friendship that had been through problems? Is this a sign of... The friendship is soon gonna be fading off soon? & we can never have back the friendship anymore?
Sometimes, just becos of something, we can sacrifice our time, our effort, ourselves. & when we do all this stuffs, at times, we want something good in return. Like, having our friendship back & be like how it was suppose to be at the beginning. However, at times, whatever we've did for something, it just cannot be back like last time. Everything just doesn't go your way. & not everything will go your way. This is life, probably?
I've been through a friendship. & this friend, is more than a friend. She's been through thick & thin with me. I share my stories with her everyday, be it sad or happy. & without fail, she always listens to it attentively. & even she run out of ideas to make me feel happy, she'll just sit there & let her presence be there just to make me feel that someone is there, caring for me. Or at times, she'll give me a long hug. Whatever she had done for me, I'll never forget. I guess, i take her for granted, i didn't treasure her & i just got damn unreasonable. Until one day, she couldn't take it, & we got into a fight. A big & bad fight we ever ever ever had. I know it was MY fault, thats why i kept apologising. 5days later, she said we're fine. But my instincts, doesn't feels like its fine. It feels that.. Something is not right. & almost every single day, i live in fear. Worrying about almost everything i do & her mood. My life was soon then, a disaster. I changed the part where i was very unreasonable. & now, i am halfway through it. & i just hope i can change. I read a storybook from a psychologist, the book named "Even Happier". There's this chapter called "Rituals". There's this sentence that made me feel proud about myself. "Lerning new tricks, introducing a new behaviour, replacing old habits is extremely hard. Most attemps at change, whether by individuals or organisations, fail." & i changed to someone who is more understanding in a way. I want my this friend to know, but she just couldn't feel anything about it. Everyday, when i see stuffs i dont like, i just have to pretend like nothing happened. & i really didn't want to lead a life this way, so one day i took up the courage to tell my this friend about it, hoping she would understand. However, she didn't want to understand at all. Just to maintain the friendship, i pretended nothing happened the next day. & still, i live the same every single day, hoping something will change. Recently, i just couldn't stand it anymore. There's this urge that makes me just want to say out everything! However still, i didn't! Becos i thought of the consequences, it won't be good.. AT ALL. Until 2days ago, i just said everything out into the face of my that friend. I got really agitated, & i cried when i just begin the talk. Afterwards, i calm down & felt really really better. But when i tell her all these, i would really want a REPLY from her. Tell me how she feel. But she just couldn't!!!! So when i tell her how i feel, its no difference with no telling. Today, finally she.. Told me how she feel. I got really sad. She told me probably, we can't be like how we was already. Wanted to cry so badly, but on the other hand, i don't wanna get hurt so badly once again & cry like shit again. So i just pushed back all my tears & continue leading my normal life. I don't know what will happen between her & me now. But i just really hope everything will be going smoothly.. & still hoping we can still be best friends & be like how we was last time... :)
Sometimes, just becos of something, we can sacrifice our time, our effort, ourselves. & when we do all this stuffs, at times, we want something good in return. Like, having our friendship back & be like how it was suppose to be at the beginning. However, at times, whatever we've did for something, it just cannot be back like last time. Everything just doesn't go your way. & not everything will go your way. This is life, probably?
I've been through a friendship. & this friend, is more than a friend. She's been through thick & thin with me. I share my stories with her everyday, be it sad or happy. & without fail, she always listens to it attentively. & even she run out of ideas to make me feel happy, she'll just sit there & let her presence be there just to make me feel that someone is there, caring for me. Or at times, she'll give me a long hug. Whatever she had done for me, I'll never forget. I guess, i take her for granted, i didn't treasure her & i just got damn unreasonable. Until one day, she couldn't take it, & we got into a fight. A big & bad fight we ever ever ever had. I know it was MY fault, thats why i kept apologising. 5days later, she said we're fine. But my instincts, doesn't feels like its fine. It feels that.. Something is not right. & almost every single day, i live in fear. Worrying about almost everything i do & her mood. My life was soon then, a disaster. I changed the part where i was very unreasonable. & now, i am halfway through it. & i just hope i can change. I read a storybook from a psychologist, the book named "Even Happier". There's this chapter called "Rituals". There's this sentence that made me feel proud about myself. "Lerning new tricks, introducing a new behaviour, replacing old habits is extremely hard. Most attemps at change, whether by individuals or organisations, fail." & i changed to someone who is more understanding in a way. I want my this friend to know, but she just couldn't feel anything about it. Everyday, when i see stuffs i dont like, i just have to pretend like nothing happened. & i really didn't want to lead a life this way, so one day i took up the courage to tell my this friend about it, hoping she would understand. However, she didn't want to understand at all. Just to maintain the friendship, i pretended nothing happened the next day. & still, i live the same every single day, hoping something will change. Recently, i just couldn't stand it anymore. There's this urge that makes me just want to say out everything! However still, i didn't! Becos i thought of the consequences, it won't be good.. AT ALL. Until 2days ago, i just said everything out into the face of my that friend. I got really agitated, & i cried when i just begin the talk. Afterwards, i calm down & felt really really better. But when i tell her all these, i would really want a REPLY from her. Tell me how she feel. But she just couldn't!!!! So when i tell her how i feel, its no difference with no telling. Today, finally she.. Told me how she feel. I got really sad. She told me probably, we can't be like how we was already. Wanted to cry so badly, but on the other hand, i don't wanna get hurt so badly once again & cry like shit again. So i just pushed back all my tears & continue leading my normal life. I don't know what will happen between her & me now. But i just really hope everything will be going smoothly.. & still hoping we can still be best friends & be like how we was last time... :)
Yours truly,
JaimeNgJingWen
Sweet 16. Singing is my passion. Shopping is my hobby. Kpop is my love.
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